Being Mum…

After a day of…

“No we are not going to church I have too much housework to do, get out the house we are late, go back in the house you have forgotten your swimming kit, what are you wearing? Why don’t you listen, use your brain, you are driving me crazy ” etc…

I have only just realised my son has not had much to say today, and what he has said has been positive…

“Wow, mummy I know we are rushing but remember when we used to walk to swimming. Then we all prayed for you to have a car and now you we have one”

“Today is a lovely day”

“You look so nice mummy”

I know you don’t like what I’m wearing, but I think I look cool”

“3 days till I am 7 and I get to spend the day with mum and dad together”

“Was that Nana on the phone? I hope she is ok”

I find it quite heartbreaking that none of those comments registered in my mind until now. I have been all caught up in my own toxic (me,me,me) thoughts. Reacting to my frustration at not being who I should by shutting up, and pushing aside the one small person who only ever reminds me of love in its purest form.

I actually woke him up an hour after he fell asleep to tell him I love him and I’m sorry for being so sad today…

“I forgive you mummy”

Making me to be his mummy

I start my new Accounts Assistant job in 8 hours.

I have been excited all day and now all of a sudden I’ve done everything I need to do, the house is silent, im snuggled in bed and all I can hear is my heart beating so many fears into my mind!

Im only going to see my son on a Monday and Tuesday morning and evening during the work week due to childminding and parent sharing! Monday evenings I have choir practice so that will leave even less time with him!

I have no idea how flexible this new company will be therefore will I ever be able to have time off to watch my baby in his school plays?

Im used to working but Im used to being able to drop my baby at school whether I had him the night before or not

I’m going to miss him so much

I’m petrified I wont be able to handle it!

Fear is so much harder to fight when it involves my baby! Im tempted to go get him out his bed, put him in mine and cuddle him until he wakes up….

But he always wees in my bed *sigh*

I will put my fear in the courtroom as I have been taught and hopefully it will ease the upset slightly!

As he so easily put it today “God spent a lot of time making you to be my mummy” so I’m sure God will help me deal with this situation!