Expectation Translation

I have struggled with my emotions since before I can remember. I would not be surprised if when all is said and done I was told

“You were actually born with a broken heart”.

Dramatic? Theatrical? Deep? It is all a result of being blessed and burdened with the gift of feeling everything to an extreme. My passion, determination and inner strength are the consequences of pushing above and beyond to live based on truthful decisions rather than overpowering feelings. I could talk for hours about this but it has all been laid out before in previous posts. I just wanted to paint a little picture before I spoke about something that stopped me in my tracks yesterday:

I don’t really want to add emoticons to my blog (bit tacky) but if I did I would be using at least 5 of the wide eyed serious looking ones.

Why??

My life recently has been based around visualization, looking to the future, expecting the impossible and fighting to overcoming fear of the unknown so I can be excited about my future. The steps I have been taking in my mind, in my soul and in reality have been lining up. I have become refreshed and refreshing, full of it ( the good type of “it”), confident, relaxed and, less judgmental. I have popped my own bubble to mingle with people on a different level, different age group, different cultures, different languages. I have dusted off my dreams and started to expect that they will one day be my reality. I have even dared to step on the stones of my biggest fear: Rejection. I wake up shocked that I am finally living beyond, yet deep down I know my heart is still very very broken.

When I read this quote it cut deep. I felt distracted all day. I sat in church trying to listen to the message, laughed really loud with my friends to drown out the niggling feeling, spent the afternoon with my family feeling absent minded. I got home on Sunday afternoon exhausted and if I’m honest with myself forced myself to have an afternoon sleep. I even missed out on watching Cool Runnings

“It’s good this mummy it’s got Jamaicans in it”  ahahahaha

I woke up an hour later and before I remembered my own name, the same questions popped back into my mind.

“Is my heart still broken because I expect too much? Am I expecting for things that are not going to happen?  Have I dragged my dreams out of the dirt and dusted them off for nothing?

After reading with Kayden and tucking him up in bed I sat in my bedroom and just prayed. I prayed out of frustration at myself for getting the balance wrong again. I know in my heart that God wants me to expect the impossible, to dream big and live without limits. Yet, for some reason my expectations are breaking my heart?? So confused and so deflated.

I called my sister to have a chat and it came up in the conversation. I explained all the above and how it had ‘done my head in’ all day. She listened quietly then said …very simply:

“Expect with all your heart from God, but don’t expect anything from man, that is what breaks your heart”

One simple sentence and it all made sense.

Just like that.

My hope and expectations are from Him 

Psalm 62 v 5 (AMP)

 

And this expectation will not disappoint us 

Romans 5:5 NLT